It's once again been a long time since I have written. It seems I avoid it. Although that is never a good thing, for me, its unhealthy. This is a natural release for me in my life. So here I am, now living in San francisco. I have some things a bit more figured out, and many still unsure about.
I moved to San Francisco in June of 2009. Second place I looked at I fell in love with, good price, beautiful view, safe neighborhood, walking distance to work, old victorian style, high ceilings, hardwood floors, what more could I ask for? What brought me to the city? My first professional job out of college. I started as the assistant to the owner of Studio D, a homestaging/interior design/retail studio. After a few months I gained enough knowledge and strength in the business for her to let the reigns go to me, and so hear I am, 24 years old, running the retail division on my own. Definately good experience, I can do this. Once I gain two years in this position, I can move into another management role. I could work in fashion, or perhaps another field of interior design.
What do I really want? I want to be an interior designer. I want to work under someone that shows me the reigns, teaches me everything they know. Become an art director? Who knows...endless possibilities at this point.
Life is short. The thing I have learned most from this year. Loosing Anthony, someone I held so dear to my heart, and watching others endure the loss of other young people in their lives, I realize that I truly need to make the most of this life. Have those connecting moments with dear friends, breathe each breath of air with full appreciation, and tell those around me how much they mean to me.
I still fell anxiety about things, how do I jump to the next stage? Its funny how the pressure is never ending. It continues to breath down your neck just as you think you've reached the next tier in life. I have so many aspirations and want to do so many things its overwhelming at times, how can I channel my passions for all of these things in a logical subsequent way that I will be able to fulfill them at some point throughout my life.
And so now 24, reaching the cusp of a new year, I once again begin to think about what life means to me. Its about nourishing my soul, feeding the relationships that help me grow, and meeting people randomly that act as an angel on my shoulder that neither I nor they have any clue of when that encounter takes place.
I met a man on the train one day, he said "never let anyone take away your happiness girl. Its yours and no one elses to take from you." I am constantly inspired by this city and the people in it, but now I need to fully channel that inspiration into something substantial. I am yearning school again, the discipline and expansion of my mind is much needed....
Rain drops drizzle down my window spelling words along the glass
Faith. Strength. Belief. and Bravery shine through
A moment encased by my bedroom walls, a moment I see words that aren't actually there
Words that I just want to see. Words that I need in my life.
Stop yearning for more, appreciate where you are at, accept the void
Depth is a hard thing to fill, almost impossible, but you have your whole life to fill it
So spend time truthfully, be real with yourself and others, and accept the moment for what it is.
Thunder strikes, lightening follows, and I am once again reminded of how miniscule I am to the world around me
A microcosome of life, feeling, and occasion
The world is so vast, so much to discover
So let it rain, pour the words down my sill, and paint the truth on my walls
Vibrant sun shines the next morning, air crisp and insecure
As this world fights to live in a depression
The world is on its knees, begging the planet to not sucumb to its maltreatment
Begging each other to share the alititude those who are lucky have reached
Its not a time of justice, its a time of reliance
Reliance on who we know and how to make it to the next day
Edagar Allen Poe would have found happiness in this depression
Something so dark and yet afraid to uncover its eyes to the world
We are told it will be fine
We are told we will be taken care of
But the reality is that we are each alone, alone to find our footing once again in a world not of our own.
Peace and Happiness to all.
12/28/09
4/30/09
One door opens, another door closes
I got the job! I got my first "real" job...I guess you would say. I am an assistant to an interior designer in Pacific Heights...Studio D design. Sweet! I am holding on to my career in fashion still. I have to start pursuing writing prospects for local magazines. I met another photographer for Vogue, I'm thinking of shooting him an email to see what connections he might be able to offer. Its all about networking in today's day and age. You just have to email people, "Hey! You are inspiring! I want to do what you do? How do I make it happen?" If they're cool, they'll agree to meet with you which is your opportunity to show them what you've got. In this industry, it means showing them the style you've got, the personality, and your "go-get-it" kind of attitude. Thats whats going to sink in, thats what they are going to remember.
Now that I have a job that will actually allow me to make some money I am sooooo excited. I will be able to get facials regularly! I will be able to attend dance classes regularly! I will be able to buy new clothes, have fun with my wardrobe and style! All essential to being in this industry, develop yourself both internally and externally, its the truth.
So, this is all very exciting. It took me nine months of sending out resumes (probably 1-4 a week) and getting NO response. I didn't even get an interview! Bullshit!! And the one interview I got, I killed it! I knew I would. Not because I am conceited, but because I am confident. I am articulate and I work hard when its for someone that I know sees that and appreciates it. I lucked out. Found a down to earth boss who will teach me so much and allow me to grow professionally in the field. Its on!
So thats the door that opened. Its the one you wait for when you graduate college. The opportunity that allows you to develop your resume, your passions, and your career.
Another door has closed. Ironically within the first hour of my first day at the new job I recieved the phone call....Anthony Calhoun died last night in a car accident on his way home from a friends BBQ. Its like I talked about in the "Renewal" posting, he was a landmark in my life. He was a lover and a friend. We had our moments, our fights, but thats what developed our relationship even further. We didnt bullshit with each other, and I definately did not bullshit with him--one of the things he always said he loved about me. He met this girl named Billy, said she reminded him of his "Sarah Anne," but still no where the same. He would complain to me, "come back here, I will never find another Sarah Anne, why aren't we together?" I would just roll my eyes, Oh Anthony, we both know it would never work, we're too damn stubborn together.
There was a special bond between us, I felt it and heard it in his voice when we talked on the phone, an unconditional kind of love, something that I believed would make him a friend for life. Although we had a previous relationship, I considered him my dear friend above all. I pictured him at my wedding, thinking he would tell my husband, "You are such a lucky guy! And if you ever to anything to hurt her, I'll hunt you down...." (lol, anyone who knew Anthony knew about his ability to fight....crazy boy)
I miss him. I scroll through my phone and pass his name "Anth," and realize I will never be able to call him again. I will never be able to on a whim, just call to say hi and tell him I loved him. We felt so special together and with one another. I hope you are in a better place now. I hope I will see you again in another life. You shouldn't have left so soon. You are truly treasured.
And the door is closed.
Now that I have a job that will actually allow me to make some money I am sooooo excited. I will be able to get facials regularly! I will be able to attend dance classes regularly! I will be able to buy new clothes, have fun with my wardrobe and style! All essential to being in this industry, develop yourself both internally and externally, its the truth.
So, this is all very exciting. It took me nine months of sending out resumes (probably 1-4 a week) and getting NO response. I didn't even get an interview! Bullshit!! And the one interview I got, I killed it! I knew I would. Not because I am conceited, but because I am confident. I am articulate and I work hard when its for someone that I know sees that and appreciates it. I lucked out. Found a down to earth boss who will teach me so much and allow me to grow professionally in the field. Its on!
So thats the door that opened. Its the one you wait for when you graduate college. The opportunity that allows you to develop your resume, your passions, and your career.
Another door has closed. Ironically within the first hour of my first day at the new job I recieved the phone call....Anthony Calhoun died last night in a car accident on his way home from a friends BBQ. Its like I talked about in the "Renewal" posting, he was a landmark in my life. He was a lover and a friend. We had our moments, our fights, but thats what developed our relationship even further. We didnt bullshit with each other, and I definately did not bullshit with him--one of the things he always said he loved about me. He met this girl named Billy, said she reminded him of his "Sarah Anne," but still no where the same. He would complain to me, "come back here, I will never find another Sarah Anne, why aren't we together?" I would just roll my eyes, Oh Anthony, we both know it would never work, we're too damn stubborn together.
There was a special bond between us, I felt it and heard it in his voice when we talked on the phone, an unconditional kind of love, something that I believed would make him a friend for life. Although we had a previous relationship, I considered him my dear friend above all. I pictured him at my wedding, thinking he would tell my husband, "You are such a lucky guy! And if you ever to anything to hurt her, I'll hunt you down...." (lol, anyone who knew Anthony knew about his ability to fight....crazy boy)
I miss him. I scroll through my phone and pass his name "Anth," and realize I will never be able to call him again. I will never be able to on a whim, just call to say hi and tell him I loved him. We felt so special together and with one another. I hope you are in a better place now. I hope I will see you again in another life. You shouldn't have left so soon. You are truly treasured.
And the door is closed.
3/23/09
March-First Day of Spring...2009
Its the first day of spring. The second "New Years Resolution" day for some. For me, its a time to reflect on how I have taken care of myself, my body, and my soul the past year....and begin that renewing, renourishing, and restrengthening process.
1/4/09
Renewal
Ok so I have neglected writing for an entire month now. It's that week of strength you ensue after a hard point in your life. And then reality kicks in and you get shot right back down....or maybe you don't...just me....and I wouldn't say exactly shot back down...just a detract in motivation. It takes so much energy to push through a rough spot, and just like a race, if you use all your juice up in the beginning you'll trek slower to the finish. Well here I am again, with my second wind.
The weight has been lifted. It's officially gone, a distant memory, and now I am once again finding purpose in my life, except this time for myself, and only myself. You see....that is the problem with getting involved in a serious relationship before you have fully developed yourself and where you want to go. It makes it easier to stop worrying about that and just live in the moment. But that my friends, is not reality.
What is reality is that you will one day be completely on your own--financially, emotionally, and physically. It is better to develop your independence in these three areas in the beginning, those who become landmarks along the way should be just that. They should be monuments that either last forever as a source of strength and inspiration, or that you move past once they have provided you the necessary reflections and life lessons they were supposed to. I mean isn't that what people are all about? Bouncing ideas off one another, testing one another's reactions, simply to develop their own true opinions of themselves and the world around them.
The idea is that people come and go, nothing is a guarantee, no matter how convinced you are that it is. So build YOURSELF strong in these categories and you will be sufficient to handle yourself and your life when the time comes for certain people to walk away...
So back to the drawing board, that's where I am. And I've discovered a new career path, something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. Isn't that what dreams really are? The ones we have as children that manifest and grow with us into adulthood? A career I have always pictured myself in, and now its just getting there thats the tricky part. But I will. Oh yes I will. And know you can too...with your dreams that is.
The weight has been lifted. It's officially gone, a distant memory, and now I am once again finding purpose in my life, except this time for myself, and only myself. You see....that is the problem with getting involved in a serious relationship before you have fully developed yourself and where you want to go. It makes it easier to stop worrying about that and just live in the moment. But that my friends, is not reality.
What is reality is that you will one day be completely on your own--financially, emotionally, and physically. It is better to develop your independence in these three areas in the beginning, those who become landmarks along the way should be just that. They should be monuments that either last forever as a source of strength and inspiration, or that you move past once they have provided you the necessary reflections and life lessons they were supposed to. I mean isn't that what people are all about? Bouncing ideas off one another, testing one another's reactions, simply to develop their own true opinions of themselves and the world around them.
The idea is that people come and go, nothing is a guarantee, no matter how convinced you are that it is. So build YOURSELF strong in these categories and you will be sufficient to handle yourself and your life when the time comes for certain people to walk away...
So back to the drawing board, that's where I am. And I've discovered a new career path, something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. Isn't that what dreams really are? The ones we have as children that manifest and grow with us into adulthood? A career I have always pictured myself in, and now its just getting there thats the tricky part. But I will. Oh yes I will. And know you can too...with your dreams that is.
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