Pushing Through The Awkward

"Push through the awkwardness, and you will find true intimacy and understanding."

This goes for everything in life...relationships, friendships, family, your job, and yourself.

In terms of relationships, I find this to be a common make it or break it factor. People either let the awkward, less than perfect moments, get the best of them and head for the door...or they sit back for a minute and consider what it is that might be making the situation awkward. Is it them or the other person? Is someone feeling vulnerable for the first time, and so obviously things are out of balance. These moments are wonderful opportunities to really learn about your relationship, the other person, and yourself. If it is you that is feeling uncomfortable...is it because you're realizing how much you actually care about the person and your unsure if they feel the same way? And...quite possibly its awkward because those two individuals just don't mesh well...but that would've/should've been something you realized long before this stage in the relationship.

I'm talking about the point that you truly start to open up to one another and let your affections roam free. You've already realized that the two of you are quite the hot item, you have fun together, share common interests, and values...but now are reaching the cusp of settling into an actual relationship...something a bit more serious. As most relationships have ups and downs, feeling your way through the beginning is most notably awkward and full of surprises. However, when you push through this, you begin to see the rawest aspects of your relationships, and each other. A new level of intimacy is born. The questionable vulnerability is now out of the way, you both realize your here to stay, here for one another, and trust blooms.

It's just like when you hang out with a new friend for the first time, things are a bit awkward since you hardly know one another, but to become friends with that person you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable until you know one another. Once you do, the doors fly open, and the comfort settles in.

I think you catch my drift. There are tons of examples of awkwardness, but think about those moments, what you can learn from them, and what has or potentially will come out the other end. We all had to go through our awkward teenage years to become confident adults, who through testing our boundaries and pushing the limits came to a true understanding of ourselves and how we operate as people. Anytime you start something new, like a job, it's incredibly awkward and a bit off for the first few days, or even the first few months. It takes a while to get it down.

So be patient with yourself and your relationships, appreciate the awkward moments in life, and take a step back to really think about the situation and what you can learn from it.

If you have the strength to push through the AWKWARD, an intimate portrait of life will be at your fingertips. If you choose to run away, you will live on the surface of humanity, and lack fulfillment in whatever aspects of your life you refuse to push through.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP.

This one's for you....

Push Forward. Have a plan behind a plan. Never disregard people's ability to be selfish, for those who are, allot most of their actions to selfishness. Flip your switch to great everyday, don't allow yourself to settle for less than that. Wake up in the morning with goals. Make those goals become the life you live. Never sell yourself short of anything. Never let anyone take away your happiness.

New Beginnings....

It's a cold and rainy Sunday and as I sit down to write I contemplate over what topic I want to brush over today...I begin to think about new beginnings...the amount of flexibility and sense of novelty and excitement we feel in starting something new, trekking down a path for the first time. And so I decide that although I am in the same town, same house, same job, and doing the same activities....I will make this a new beginning.

I will start this chapter over. This chapter of reinventing myself, expanding my talents, restructuring my time, refurbishing old relationships and building new ones. I have set down this path before, but ran off course due to several changes in my life...its the whole two steps forward one step back deal...and I refuse to beat myself up about it, it's part of life, it's part of growing up in your twenties. And so I refocus my route, now more knowledgeable than when I originally set out on this journey, and prepared to set the stage for a new beginning.

I realize that there doesn't have to be a new location, a new job, or anything particularly monumental to have a new beginning...just a new mentality.

And so I am adopting a new mentality about everything in my life. How I deal with my jobs, how I deal with my family, how I deal with my friends, and how I deal with myself. I want to wake up every morning with excitement and fervor to embrace the day, spend time with someone dear to me or someone new, jump back into yoga, dance, and running but with the mentality that I will push myself to a new level, rather than simply carry forward in the same grace and stature I have done in the past. Educate myself on the world around me, spend my free time reading and writing, while also pursuing more artistic endeavors. I have registered for guitar classes...finally!

So this sense of novelty and change comes from within, rather than from around. We get this feeling that we need to get out, move away, etc. When the truth is that wherever we go our same pains and frustrations will follow...until we decide to discard them and adopt a new way of living. I am a person who needs structure in my life, and I am realizing how much this lack of structure has caused my mind to get foggy and my soul to drupe, and so I must reestablish structure on my own, push forward, and raise the bar of daily satisfaction.

Just food for thought....

Relationships...????

As I remove myself from a rotten situation I begin to question many things in my own mind and about people in general. What category of judgment allows me to trust someone so vigilantly, to feel confident in a relationship for the first time in years, that in the end...my thoughts and understandings prove false.?

First thing...this is the time in our lives to develop ourselves. It is the time to appreciate loneliness, learn how to push through and enjoy solitude, put our energies into our careers and livelihoods, focus on our future. This is the mentality I held when I moved home from college. Upon graduating, I realized the energy and part of my self that lost focus in a relationship, that deterred me from my own hopes and dreams, that infused irresponsibility, and that I ultimately wasn't ready for at this point in my life. I moved home with the parents, searching for my soul's resting place in the world around. I set goals for myself, began learning guitar, developed new friendships, and began developing a professional network in the event industry.

Suddenly, out of no where, someone walked into my life. A person I took to be a man, but that shamefully proved to only be a boy. Someone who set a new standard for men in my life, in terms of his own accomplishments, the way he treated me, the passions we shared, and the commitment he proclaimed. A man who brought me into his circle--family and friends--and who shared some of his most personal experiences and writings with me--with pure excitement and fervor. A man who looked me in the eye, promising stability and commitment..."I am not going anywhere, and even if you try to walk away for whatever reason, I will do whatever it takes to get you back." A man who held my hand and asked me to trust him, who ranted and raved about our "journey" together and how excited he was about it. A man who allowed me to dismiss my previous perspectives on having a relationship because of the support and structure he yearned to add to my life. I told myself, he could be my best friend, I can learn so much from him both professionally and personally, I can do this and still pursue my dreams--even better with someone who cares about me by my side. He promised to catch me if I fell, he promised to always be there.

As the intensity of our relationship increased progressively, there remained blind obstacles...things we couldn't put our finger on...but could definitely feel. I got this feeling in my gut, a feeling that told me something was off, something wasn't measuring up to all that we had shared and all that he had promised. I began to realize that the novelty and excitement of this new love had gotten the best of me, irresponsibility was settling in, and my focus was muddled by the excitement of this amazing man in my life. Once again my original perspective proved correct, I was not ready for a relationship, I was not ready for this kind of commitment. I needed to refocus on myself, take a step back, and regroup. My intention was not to end this relationship, but to simply restructure our time together and my time for myself. As I left his house in an awkward state, both of us weighed down by thoughts we could not convey, I reached these conclusions and made an agreement with myself to move forward in this fashion. The beautiful thing, I thought, was that because I met someone so stable in himself and in our relationship (or so I thought), that I might actually be able to get the best of both worlds. Have a love that made my heart warm and strength renewed, while also regaining my own path towards a career and stronger self.

Then everything changed. He disappeared. Stopped answering my phone calls and cut me out. With much effort on my behalf to figure out what the hell happened, I received very little feedback and very few answers. The man who I viewed as strong, communicative, and respectful turned his back with no explanation/consolation for why he felt the need to walk away. The man who looked me straight in the eye to promise me all the things I mentioned before, within 24hours decided he wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing monumental happened, and what I always thought to be an open relationship of two mature adults who would talk about anything, became a middle school heartbreak. The man became a boy, unable to face this woman (me), and explain why such a change of heart. The person who claimed to have opened up to me more than anyone in years passed, slammed the door and refused to answer it.

And so I sat there, feeling hurt and deceived, questioning how I could have been so duped, questioning why I believed his every word. And then I realized, I am still so young, with so much to learn, and the silver lining appeared...I was grateful this came to a close early on, before I became more emotionally invested in a boy who obviously did not know his left from his right down the road of serious relationships.

I tell you this lengthy story not for your pity, and not for the negative depiction I now give this boy, but to share with you what I have learned from this experience, so that come the day a man or woman of this magnitude shakes your world, you can have some basis on how to react before, during, and after the fact...

Lesson #1: Try not to jump into a relationship, no matter how easy things fall into place, a relationship of girlfriend/boyfriend is a commitment. It is a commitment of time, effort, and your self that you should not give someone you hardly know. When you start dating someone, let them know your standards, where your coming from, and that more than anything the beginning should be about getting to know one another as people, the relationship stuff will come with time.

Lesson #2: If you are an open person, like me, take your time with opening up about your past and yourself. Allow some mystery to remain, have the person PROVE their trust to you before you give it to them.

Lesson #3: Ask about the ex. Do not pry, no need for details, but it is important to know where the ex fits into the other persons life currently, and if there would be any hesitation to get back together with that person. Everyone has baggage, but EX baggage might not be something you want to deal with. If he or she is not over it, let them go until they are.

Lesson #4: Always be honest. Being honest from the beginning allows for an open and honest relationship to follow. If things don't work out, at least you can walk away with dignity in knowing you were honest through and through.

Lesson #5: Keep your eyes peeled for red flags. Watch intently how the person reacts to things you say, certain situations, etc. People may not always be what they seem, but you can figure it out sooner if your intuitive and aware.

Lesson #6: Be true to yourself. If you know this is, or is not, what you want, act upon that--but fill the other individual in, explain yourself and allow for discussion to reach a higher level of understanding. This is called maturity, and in practicing maturity in the small scale relationships you will be further prepared for the real deal when it happens.

Lesson #7: Trust your gut. If you are in tune with yourself, and something feels off, heed to that feeling, and take a step back to see the whole picture.

Lesson #8: As much as you might want to spend every minute with the person that you find oh so amazing, set boundaries for yourself, make sure you keep time for friends, family, and yourself.

Lesson #9: Have fun! Try not to take it too seriously. Relationships at this age are about learning and enjoying the different people that walk through your life. Take it day by day, hold the emphasis.

A Glimpse At The Meaning Of Life

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

-Alan Cohen

Opening...Welcome!

Catch 22-Discovering Life in your 20's is a memoir centered on the tumultuos discovery of life and one's self in their twenties. Who am I? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? What makes me spark? What drives me? What career path do I choose? How do I find my soul-mate? Does a soul-mate even exist? What are the qualities I am searching for in that person? I have found that person...are they right for me? How do I find comfort in my own skin? Am I making the right decisions? Am I being safe with sex and drugs? At what point do my bad habits need to end? How do I budget my money and myself? How do I establish balance in my life? Questions out-weigh the answers, answers that we must continue through this tunnel to understand.

Life is becoming more real every minute, adulthood sinks in, and the reality both some of the darkest and most beautiful aspects in life begins to present itself for the first time. Some of you will experience heartbreak for the first time, some will experience death, some will enter the work force to discover that the gossip and social politics we dealt with in high school are never-ending. As we linger on the cusp of this criticle moment in time two steps forward often follow by one step back, frustration and pain interchange with excitement and novelty, and a new sense of discovery is born.

"I've got it!" "I know who I am!" "I know what I want!" These are the answers we proclaim with vigilence...and then there's a catch. Something happens, someone lets us down, life changes unexpectedly and we feel back at square one. This is the Catch 22--this is the battle of life in our twenties.