Relationships...????

As I remove myself from a rotten situation I begin to question many things in my own mind and about people in general. What category of judgment allows me to trust someone so vigilantly, to feel confident in a relationship for the first time in years, that in the end...my thoughts and understandings prove false.?

First thing...this is the time in our lives to develop ourselves. It is the time to appreciate loneliness, learn how to push through and enjoy solitude, put our energies into our careers and livelihoods, focus on our future. This is the mentality I held when I moved home from college. Upon graduating, I realized the energy and part of my self that lost focus in a relationship, that deterred me from my own hopes and dreams, that infused irresponsibility, and that I ultimately wasn't ready for at this point in my life. I moved home with the parents, searching for my soul's resting place in the world around. I set goals for myself, began learning guitar, developed new friendships, and began developing a professional network in the event industry.

Suddenly, out of no where, someone walked into my life. A person I took to be a man, but that shamefully proved to only be a boy. Someone who set a new standard for men in my life, in terms of his own accomplishments, the way he treated me, the passions we shared, and the commitment he proclaimed. A man who brought me into his circle--family and friends--and who shared some of his most personal experiences and writings with me--with pure excitement and fervor. A man who looked me in the eye, promising stability and commitment..."I am not going anywhere, and even if you try to walk away for whatever reason, I will do whatever it takes to get you back." A man who held my hand and asked me to trust him, who ranted and raved about our "journey" together and how excited he was about it. A man who allowed me to dismiss my previous perspectives on having a relationship because of the support and structure he yearned to add to my life. I told myself, he could be my best friend, I can learn so much from him both professionally and personally, I can do this and still pursue my dreams--even better with someone who cares about me by my side. He promised to catch me if I fell, he promised to always be there.

As the intensity of our relationship increased progressively, there remained blind obstacles...things we couldn't put our finger on...but could definitely feel. I got this feeling in my gut, a feeling that told me something was off, something wasn't measuring up to all that we had shared and all that he had promised. I began to realize that the novelty and excitement of this new love had gotten the best of me, irresponsibility was settling in, and my focus was muddled by the excitement of this amazing man in my life. Once again my original perspective proved correct, I was not ready for a relationship, I was not ready for this kind of commitment. I needed to refocus on myself, take a step back, and regroup. My intention was not to end this relationship, but to simply restructure our time together and my time for myself. As I left his house in an awkward state, both of us weighed down by thoughts we could not convey, I reached these conclusions and made an agreement with myself to move forward in this fashion. The beautiful thing, I thought, was that because I met someone so stable in himself and in our relationship (or so I thought), that I might actually be able to get the best of both worlds. Have a love that made my heart warm and strength renewed, while also regaining my own path towards a career and stronger self.

Then everything changed. He disappeared. Stopped answering my phone calls and cut me out. With much effort on my behalf to figure out what the hell happened, I received very little feedback and very few answers. The man who I viewed as strong, communicative, and respectful turned his back with no explanation/consolation for why he felt the need to walk away. The man who looked me straight in the eye to promise me all the things I mentioned before, within 24hours decided he wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing monumental happened, and what I always thought to be an open relationship of two mature adults who would talk about anything, became a middle school heartbreak. The man became a boy, unable to face this woman (me), and explain why such a change of heart. The person who claimed to have opened up to me more than anyone in years passed, slammed the door and refused to answer it.

And so I sat there, feeling hurt and deceived, questioning how I could have been so duped, questioning why I believed his every word. And then I realized, I am still so young, with so much to learn, and the silver lining appeared...I was grateful this came to a close early on, before I became more emotionally invested in a boy who obviously did not know his left from his right down the road of serious relationships.

I tell you this lengthy story not for your pity, and not for the negative depiction I now give this boy, but to share with you what I have learned from this experience, so that come the day a man or woman of this magnitude shakes your world, you can have some basis on how to react before, during, and after the fact...

Lesson #1: Try not to jump into a relationship, no matter how easy things fall into place, a relationship of girlfriend/boyfriend is a commitment. It is a commitment of time, effort, and your self that you should not give someone you hardly know. When you start dating someone, let them know your standards, where your coming from, and that more than anything the beginning should be about getting to know one another as people, the relationship stuff will come with time.

Lesson #2: If you are an open person, like me, take your time with opening up about your past and yourself. Allow some mystery to remain, have the person PROVE their trust to you before you give it to them.

Lesson #3: Ask about the ex. Do not pry, no need for details, but it is important to know where the ex fits into the other persons life currently, and if there would be any hesitation to get back together with that person. Everyone has baggage, but EX baggage might not be something you want to deal with. If he or she is not over it, let them go until they are.

Lesson #4: Always be honest. Being honest from the beginning allows for an open and honest relationship to follow. If things don't work out, at least you can walk away with dignity in knowing you were honest through and through.

Lesson #5: Keep your eyes peeled for red flags. Watch intently how the person reacts to things you say, certain situations, etc. People may not always be what they seem, but you can figure it out sooner if your intuitive and aware.

Lesson #6: Be true to yourself. If you know this is, or is not, what you want, act upon that--but fill the other individual in, explain yourself and allow for discussion to reach a higher level of understanding. This is called maturity, and in practicing maturity in the small scale relationships you will be further prepared for the real deal when it happens.

Lesson #7: Trust your gut. If you are in tune with yourself, and something feels off, heed to that feeling, and take a step back to see the whole picture.

Lesson #8: As much as you might want to spend every minute with the person that you find oh so amazing, set boundaries for yourself, make sure you keep time for friends, family, and yourself.

Lesson #9: Have fun! Try not to take it too seriously. Relationships at this age are about learning and enjoying the different people that walk through your life. Take it day by day, hold the emphasis.