A new life-The meaning of a career!

So I flew into SFO from NYC yesterday....I've been in New York for 9 months and boy has my life gone a complete 180 in that time frame. I moved to NYC for a job and a boy followed....a lost little boy...when he got there he didn't know what to do with himself...and me not wanting to be his mother could not support his inability to motivate himself to get a job. The strain of being in an unknown city together, no friends, no job for him, me trying to jump start a company alone, and an unhealthy dependency made the relationship crumble.

And now I have returned to the place we first met, fell in love, and gave each other a part of ourselves without realizing the risks. That is the beauty of young love, something that comes so naturally to me, as my soul continually longs to connect to others. When I find someone who feeds that connect, everything goes out the window. We blow caution to the wind, and set out on the road of uncertainty together. The honeymoon period is amazing, and was by far the most intense with this individual. We proclaimed we had found one another, would marry each other one day, and have two children....Mika and Michaela. Then reality settles in, life slams us against the wall, and having only established our bond through this unrequited love, the relationship cannot hold itself up against the realities of the world around us.

Well I am now 25 and have decided I cannot continue my relationships in this fashion. I have removed myself from all dating for the past 3 months...which believe me...is an accomplishment, as I have almost always had a guy in the picture since I was 16. Well no more. Now its me time. Like serious me time. I have said this for the past few years as you can see, but have finally really put my efforts in other directions.

The biggest thing.....I don't feel a VOID anymore! You know why? Because I have a career. It is the most fulfilling thing you can ask for. While it is a struggle at times, since I am starting a new business in NYC on my own and my boss and I butt heads at times, I am continually inspired in my job, and I love what I do. That I would say should be your FIRST AND FOREMOST goal in your 20's. Find a meaningful career. When you find that, everything else will follow. :-)

Beyond the career you pour your blood, sweat, and tears into....there is not much else you can really control...lead your life with the understanding that only your actions are in your hands, and you won't feel so defeated. I mean you will still feel defeated at times, but those times will become less and less. Because you own reality, and are true to yourself about how the world works and other people. This is why it is so important to really be stable in a relationship with yourself, and strong and sufficient there, before you meet anyone else. Which is exactly what I have been trying to build...

Living in San Francisco 1

It's once again been a long time since I have written. It seems I avoid it. Although that is never a good thing, for me, its unhealthy. This is a natural release for me in my life. So here I am, now living in San francisco. I have some things a bit more figured out, and many still unsure about.

I moved to San Francisco in June of 2009. Second place I looked at I fell in love with, good price, beautiful view, safe neighborhood, walking distance to work, old victorian style, high ceilings, hardwood floors, what more could I ask for? What brought me to the city? My first professional job out of college. I started as the assistant to the owner of Studio D, a homestaging/interior design/retail studio. After a few months I gained enough knowledge and strength in the business for her to let the reigns go to me, and so hear I am, 24 years old, running the retail division on my own. Definately good experience, I can do this. Once I gain two years in this position, I can move into another management role. I could work in fashion, or perhaps another field of interior design.

What do I really want? I want to be an interior designer. I want to work under someone that shows me the reigns, teaches me everything they know. Become an art director? Who knows...endless possibilities at this point.

Life is short. The thing I have learned most from this year. Loosing Anthony, someone I held so dear to my heart, and watching others endure the loss of other young people in their lives, I realize that I truly need to make the most of this life. Have those connecting moments with dear friends, breathe each breath of air with full appreciation, and tell those around me how much they mean to me.

I still fell anxiety about things, how do I jump to the next stage? Its funny how the pressure is never ending. It continues to breath down your neck just as you think you've reached the next tier in life. I have so many aspirations and want to do so many things its overwhelming at times, how can I channel my passions for all of these things in a logical subsequent way that I will be able to fulfill them at some point throughout my life.

And so now 24, reaching the cusp of a new year, I once again begin to think about what life means to me. Its about nourishing my soul, feeding the relationships that help me grow, and meeting people randomly that act as an angel on my shoulder that neither I nor they have any clue of when that encounter takes place.

I met a man on the train one day, he said "never let anyone take away your happiness girl. Its yours and no one elses to take from you." I am constantly inspired by this city and the people in it, but now I need to fully channel that inspiration into something substantial. I am yearning school again, the discipline and expansion of my mind is much needed....

Rain drops drizzle down my window spelling words along the glass
Faith. Strength. Belief. and Bravery shine through
A moment encased by my bedroom walls, a moment I see words that aren't actually there
Words that I just want to see. Words that I need in my life.
Stop yearning for more, appreciate where you are at, accept the void
Depth is a hard thing to fill, almost impossible, but you have your whole life to fill it
So spend time truthfully, be real with yourself and others, and accept the moment for what it is.

Thunder strikes, lightening follows, and I am once again reminded of how miniscule I am to the world around me
A microcosome of life, feeling, and occasion
The world is so vast, so much to discover
So let it rain, pour the words down my sill, and paint the truth on my walls

Vibrant sun shines the next morning, air crisp and insecure
As this world fights to live in a depression
The world is on its knees, begging the planet to not sucumb to its maltreatment
Begging each other to share the alititude those who are lucky have reached
Its not a time of justice, its a time of reliance
Reliance on who we know and how to make it to the next day
Edagar Allen Poe would have found happiness in this depression
Something so dark and yet afraid to uncover its eyes to the world
We are told it will be fine
We are told we will be taken care of
But the reality is that we are each alone, alone to find our footing once again in a world not of our own.

Peace and Happiness to all.

One door opens, another door closes

I got the job! I got my first "real" job...I guess you would say. I am an assistant to an interior designer in Pacific Heights...Studio D design. Sweet! I am holding on to my career in fashion still. I have to start pursuing writing prospects for local magazines. I met another photographer for Vogue, I'm thinking of shooting him an email to see what connections he might be able to offer. Its all about networking in today's day and age. You just have to email people, "Hey! You are inspiring! I want to do what you do? How do I make it happen?" If they're cool, they'll agree to meet with you which is your opportunity to show them what you've got. In this industry, it means showing them the style you've got, the personality, and your "go-get-it" kind of attitude. Thats whats going to sink in, thats what they are going to remember.

Now that I have a job that will actually allow me to make some money I am sooooo excited. I will be able to get facials regularly! I will be able to attend dance classes regularly! I will be able to buy new clothes, have fun with my wardrobe and style! All essential to being in this industry, develop yourself both internally and externally, its the truth.

So, this is all very exciting. It took me nine months of sending out resumes (probably 1-4 a week) and getting NO response. I didn't even get an interview! Bullshit!! And the one interview I got, I killed it! I knew I would. Not because I am conceited, but because I am confident. I am articulate and I work hard when its for someone that I know sees that and appreciates it. I lucked out. Found a down to earth boss who will teach me so much and allow me to grow professionally in the field. Its on!

So thats the door that opened. Its the one you wait for when you graduate college. The opportunity that allows you to develop your resume, your passions, and your career.

Another door has closed. Ironically within the first hour of my first day at the new job I recieved the phone call....Anthony Calhoun died last night in a car accident on his way home from a friends BBQ. Its like I talked about in the "Renewal" posting, he was a landmark in my life. He was a lover and a friend. We had our moments, our fights, but thats what developed our relationship even further. We didnt bullshit with each other, and I definately did not bullshit with him--one of the things he always said he loved about me. He met this girl named Billy, said she reminded him of his "Sarah Anne," but still no where the same. He would complain to me, "come back here, I will never find another Sarah Anne, why aren't we together?" I would just roll my eyes, Oh Anthony, we both know it would never work, we're too damn stubborn together.

There was a special bond between us, I felt it and heard it in his voice when we talked on the phone, an unconditional kind of love, something that I believed would make him a friend for life. Although we had a previous relationship, I considered him my dear friend above all. I pictured him at my wedding, thinking he would tell my husband, "You are such a lucky guy! And if you ever to anything to hurt her, I'll hunt you down...." (lol, anyone who knew Anthony knew about his ability to fight....crazy boy)

I miss him. I scroll through my phone and pass his name "Anth," and realize I will never be able to call him again. I will never be able to on a whim, just call to say hi and tell him I loved him. We felt so special together and with one another. I hope you are in a better place now. I hope I will see you again in another life. You shouldn't have left so soon. You are truly treasured.

And the door is closed.

March-First Day of Spring...2009

Its the first day of spring. The second "New Years Resolution" day for some. For me, its a time to reflect on how I have taken care of myself, my body, and my soul the past year....and begin that renewing, renourishing, and restrengthening process.

Renewal

Ok so I have neglected writing for an entire month now. It's that week of strength you ensue after a hard point in your life. And then reality kicks in and you get shot right back down....or maybe you don't...just me....and I wouldn't say exactly shot back down...just a detract in motivation. It takes so much energy to push through a rough spot, and just like a race, if you use all your juice up in the beginning you'll trek slower to the finish. Well here I am again, with my second wind.

The weight has been lifted. It's officially gone, a distant memory, and now I am once again finding purpose in my life, except this time for myself, and only myself. You see....that is the problem with getting involved in a serious relationship before you have fully developed yourself and where you want to go. It makes it easier to stop worrying about that and just live in the moment. But that my friends, is not reality.

What is reality is that you will one day be completely on your own--financially, emotionally, and physically. It is better to develop your independence in these three areas in the beginning, those who become landmarks along the way should be just that. They should be monuments that either last forever as a source of strength and inspiration, or that you move past once they have provided you the necessary reflections and life lessons they were supposed to. I mean isn't that what people are all about? Bouncing ideas off one another, testing one another's reactions, simply to develop their own true opinions of themselves and the world around them.

The idea is that people come and go, nothing is a guarantee, no matter how convinced you are that it is. So build YOURSELF strong in these categories and you will be sufficient to handle yourself and your life when the time comes for certain people to walk away...

So back to the drawing board, that's where I am. And I've discovered a new career path, something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. Isn't that what dreams really are? The ones we have as children that manifest and grow with us into adulthood? A career I have always pictured myself in, and now its just getting there thats the tricky part. But I will. Oh yes I will. And know you can too...with your dreams that is.

Pushing Through The Awkward

"Push through the awkwardness, and you will find true intimacy and understanding."

This goes for everything in life...relationships, friendships, family, your job, and yourself.

In terms of relationships, I find this to be a common make it or break it factor. People either let the awkward, less than perfect moments, get the best of them and head for the door...or they sit back for a minute and consider what it is that might be making the situation awkward. Is it them or the other person? Is someone feeling vulnerable for the first time, and so obviously things are out of balance. These moments are wonderful opportunities to really learn about your relationship, the other person, and yourself. If it is you that is feeling uncomfortable...is it because you're realizing how much you actually care about the person and your unsure if they feel the same way? And...quite possibly its awkward because those two individuals just don't mesh well...but that would've/should've been something you realized long before this stage in the relationship.

I'm talking about the point that you truly start to open up to one another and let your affections roam free. You've already realized that the two of you are quite the hot item, you have fun together, share common interests, and values...but now are reaching the cusp of settling into an actual relationship...something a bit more serious. As most relationships have ups and downs, feeling your way through the beginning is most notably awkward and full of surprises. However, when you push through this, you begin to see the rawest aspects of your relationships, and each other. A new level of intimacy is born. The questionable vulnerability is now out of the way, you both realize your here to stay, here for one another, and trust blooms.

It's just like when you hang out with a new friend for the first time, things are a bit awkward since you hardly know one another, but to become friends with that person you have to be willing to feel uncomfortable until you know one another. Once you do, the doors fly open, and the comfort settles in.

I think you catch my drift. There are tons of examples of awkwardness, but think about those moments, what you can learn from them, and what has or potentially will come out the other end. We all had to go through our awkward teenage years to become confident adults, who through testing our boundaries and pushing the limits came to a true understanding of ourselves and how we operate as people. Anytime you start something new, like a job, it's incredibly awkward and a bit off for the first few days, or even the first few months. It takes a while to get it down.

So be patient with yourself and your relationships, appreciate the awkward moments in life, and take a step back to really think about the situation and what you can learn from it.

If you have the strength to push through the AWKWARD, an intimate portrait of life will be at your fingertips. If you choose to run away, you will live on the surface of humanity, and lack fulfillment in whatever aspects of your life you refuse to push through.

DON'T EVER GIVE UP.

This one's for you....

Push Forward. Have a plan behind a plan. Never disregard people's ability to be selfish, for those who are, allot most of their actions to selfishness. Flip your switch to great everyday, don't allow yourself to settle for less than that. Wake up in the morning with goals. Make those goals become the life you live. Never sell yourself short of anything. Never let anyone take away your happiness.

New Beginnings....

It's a cold and rainy Sunday and as I sit down to write I contemplate over what topic I want to brush over today...I begin to think about new beginnings...the amount of flexibility and sense of novelty and excitement we feel in starting something new, trekking down a path for the first time. And so I decide that although I am in the same town, same house, same job, and doing the same activities....I will make this a new beginning.

I will start this chapter over. This chapter of reinventing myself, expanding my talents, restructuring my time, refurbishing old relationships and building new ones. I have set down this path before, but ran off course due to several changes in my life...its the whole two steps forward one step back deal...and I refuse to beat myself up about it, it's part of life, it's part of growing up in your twenties. And so I refocus my route, now more knowledgeable than when I originally set out on this journey, and prepared to set the stage for a new beginning.

I realize that there doesn't have to be a new location, a new job, or anything particularly monumental to have a new beginning...just a new mentality.

And so I am adopting a new mentality about everything in my life. How I deal with my jobs, how I deal with my family, how I deal with my friends, and how I deal with myself. I want to wake up every morning with excitement and fervor to embrace the day, spend time with someone dear to me or someone new, jump back into yoga, dance, and running but with the mentality that I will push myself to a new level, rather than simply carry forward in the same grace and stature I have done in the past. Educate myself on the world around me, spend my free time reading and writing, while also pursuing more artistic endeavors. I have registered for guitar classes...finally!

So this sense of novelty and change comes from within, rather than from around. We get this feeling that we need to get out, move away, etc. When the truth is that wherever we go our same pains and frustrations will follow...until we decide to discard them and adopt a new way of living. I am a person who needs structure in my life, and I am realizing how much this lack of structure has caused my mind to get foggy and my soul to drupe, and so I must reestablish structure on my own, push forward, and raise the bar of daily satisfaction.

Just food for thought....

Relationships...????

As I remove myself from a rotten situation I begin to question many things in my own mind and about people in general. What category of judgment allows me to trust someone so vigilantly, to feel confident in a relationship for the first time in years, that in the end...my thoughts and understandings prove false.?

First thing...this is the time in our lives to develop ourselves. It is the time to appreciate loneliness, learn how to push through and enjoy solitude, put our energies into our careers and livelihoods, focus on our future. This is the mentality I held when I moved home from college. Upon graduating, I realized the energy and part of my self that lost focus in a relationship, that deterred me from my own hopes and dreams, that infused irresponsibility, and that I ultimately wasn't ready for at this point in my life. I moved home with the parents, searching for my soul's resting place in the world around. I set goals for myself, began learning guitar, developed new friendships, and began developing a professional network in the event industry.

Suddenly, out of no where, someone walked into my life. A person I took to be a man, but that shamefully proved to only be a boy. Someone who set a new standard for men in my life, in terms of his own accomplishments, the way he treated me, the passions we shared, and the commitment he proclaimed. A man who brought me into his circle--family and friends--and who shared some of his most personal experiences and writings with me--with pure excitement and fervor. A man who looked me in the eye, promising stability and commitment..."I am not going anywhere, and even if you try to walk away for whatever reason, I will do whatever it takes to get you back." A man who held my hand and asked me to trust him, who ranted and raved about our "journey" together and how excited he was about it. A man who allowed me to dismiss my previous perspectives on having a relationship because of the support and structure he yearned to add to my life. I told myself, he could be my best friend, I can learn so much from him both professionally and personally, I can do this and still pursue my dreams--even better with someone who cares about me by my side. He promised to catch me if I fell, he promised to always be there.

As the intensity of our relationship increased progressively, there remained blind obstacles...things we couldn't put our finger on...but could definitely feel. I got this feeling in my gut, a feeling that told me something was off, something wasn't measuring up to all that we had shared and all that he had promised. I began to realize that the novelty and excitement of this new love had gotten the best of me, irresponsibility was settling in, and my focus was muddled by the excitement of this amazing man in my life. Once again my original perspective proved correct, I was not ready for a relationship, I was not ready for this kind of commitment. I needed to refocus on myself, take a step back, and regroup. My intention was not to end this relationship, but to simply restructure our time together and my time for myself. As I left his house in an awkward state, both of us weighed down by thoughts we could not convey, I reached these conclusions and made an agreement with myself to move forward in this fashion. The beautiful thing, I thought, was that because I met someone so stable in himself and in our relationship (or so I thought), that I might actually be able to get the best of both worlds. Have a love that made my heart warm and strength renewed, while also regaining my own path towards a career and stronger self.

Then everything changed. He disappeared. Stopped answering my phone calls and cut me out. With much effort on my behalf to figure out what the hell happened, I received very little feedback and very few answers. The man who I viewed as strong, communicative, and respectful turned his back with no explanation/consolation for why he felt the need to walk away. The man who looked me straight in the eye to promise me all the things I mentioned before, within 24hours decided he wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing monumental happened, and what I always thought to be an open relationship of two mature adults who would talk about anything, became a middle school heartbreak. The man became a boy, unable to face this woman (me), and explain why such a change of heart. The person who claimed to have opened up to me more than anyone in years passed, slammed the door and refused to answer it.

And so I sat there, feeling hurt and deceived, questioning how I could have been so duped, questioning why I believed his every word. And then I realized, I am still so young, with so much to learn, and the silver lining appeared...I was grateful this came to a close early on, before I became more emotionally invested in a boy who obviously did not know his left from his right down the road of serious relationships.

I tell you this lengthy story not for your pity, and not for the negative depiction I now give this boy, but to share with you what I have learned from this experience, so that come the day a man or woman of this magnitude shakes your world, you can have some basis on how to react before, during, and after the fact...

Lesson #1: Try not to jump into a relationship, no matter how easy things fall into place, a relationship of girlfriend/boyfriend is a commitment. It is a commitment of time, effort, and your self that you should not give someone you hardly know. When you start dating someone, let them know your standards, where your coming from, and that more than anything the beginning should be about getting to know one another as people, the relationship stuff will come with time.

Lesson #2: If you are an open person, like me, take your time with opening up about your past and yourself. Allow some mystery to remain, have the person PROVE their trust to you before you give it to them.

Lesson #3: Ask about the ex. Do not pry, no need for details, but it is important to know where the ex fits into the other persons life currently, and if there would be any hesitation to get back together with that person. Everyone has baggage, but EX baggage might not be something you want to deal with. If he or she is not over it, let them go until they are.

Lesson #4: Always be honest. Being honest from the beginning allows for an open and honest relationship to follow. If things don't work out, at least you can walk away with dignity in knowing you were honest through and through.

Lesson #5: Keep your eyes peeled for red flags. Watch intently how the person reacts to things you say, certain situations, etc. People may not always be what they seem, but you can figure it out sooner if your intuitive and aware.

Lesson #6: Be true to yourself. If you know this is, or is not, what you want, act upon that--but fill the other individual in, explain yourself and allow for discussion to reach a higher level of understanding. This is called maturity, and in practicing maturity in the small scale relationships you will be further prepared for the real deal when it happens.

Lesson #7: Trust your gut. If you are in tune with yourself, and something feels off, heed to that feeling, and take a step back to see the whole picture.

Lesson #8: As much as you might want to spend every minute with the person that you find oh so amazing, set boundaries for yourself, make sure you keep time for friends, family, and yourself.

Lesson #9: Have fun! Try not to take it too seriously. Relationships at this age are about learning and enjoying the different people that walk through your life. Take it day by day, hold the emphasis.

A Glimpse At The Meaning Of Life

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

-Alan Cohen

Opening...Welcome!

Catch 22-Discovering Life in your 20's is a memoir centered on the tumultuos discovery of life and one's self in their twenties. Who am I? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? What makes me spark? What drives me? What career path do I choose? How do I find my soul-mate? Does a soul-mate even exist? What are the qualities I am searching for in that person? I have found that person...are they right for me? How do I find comfort in my own skin? Am I making the right decisions? Am I being safe with sex and drugs? At what point do my bad habits need to end? How do I budget my money and myself? How do I establish balance in my life? Questions out-weigh the answers, answers that we must continue through this tunnel to understand.

Life is becoming more real every minute, adulthood sinks in, and the reality both some of the darkest and most beautiful aspects in life begins to present itself for the first time. Some of you will experience heartbreak for the first time, some will experience death, some will enter the work force to discover that the gossip and social politics we dealt with in high school are never-ending. As we linger on the cusp of this criticle moment in time two steps forward often follow by one step back, frustration and pain interchange with excitement and novelty, and a new sense of discovery is born.

"I've got it!" "I know who I am!" "I know what I want!" These are the answers we proclaim with vigilence...and then there's a catch. Something happens, someone lets us down, life changes unexpectedly and we feel back at square one. This is the Catch 22--this is the battle of life in our twenties.